So I'm going to Globalcenter (*ahem*, sorry, Exodus) to remove several of our machines. They have two different facilities in Sunnyvale: one on Karlstad, one on Borregas. Yes, the street names are every bit as poorly-engineered as the rest of Sunnyvale.

I go first to Karlstad, from which I'm removing one machine. When I get to our cage, I'm surprised to see it already open, and a floor panel missing. There was no one around, but I've noticed them doing lots of rewiring in there, and don't think too much of it.

I unrack the one machine, grab the screwdrivers, and head over to Borregas, from which I'm removing another seven servers. There I experience enormous delays and hassles getting past security to actually enter the building. Just their usual incompetent selves: I have to use their phone to call some other part of their company in Arizona, to get some information to give back to the guard sitting right next to the same phone. And then they suck some other ways. And then they stand around for a while. And then they mention something cryptic about a couple of guys, maybe security people, needing to talk to me? Then they forget about that, and continue to suck in further creative ways. And then they mention to me that they've considered themselves to be done with me for some minutes, and I should go in now. Nearly an hour to get in the door.

I go in, unrack the machines, and experience further issues actually getting them out the front door. Mostly just their usual nonsense: insisting upon writing down the meaningless numbers on the boxen, without even a cursory check as to what's inside. Several additional security goons show up, along with the security director for the facility, plus some new security director from Exodus... Soon we have nearly a dozen goons swarming around doing pointless things.

After about half an hour, I'm annoyed enough that I start pointing out to the security directors that what they're witnessing is us choosing to do less business with them because their security measures are an unbelievable pain in the ass, without providing any actual security. I go on to point out the ease with which one can simply ignore the guards and walk into and around the datacenter unmolested. I point out the incredible convenience of the willingness of any random security guard to open any door just for the asking. I point out that the locks on the cages are poorly enough designed that opening them barehanded is actually much faster and easier than waiting the fifteen minutes for the inept guards to find the key. Those fancy hand scanners next to all the doors? I point out that I don't even have an account on those, but that that's provided no deterrent whatsoever to me strolling through the facility unhindered for the last half year.

Our actual reasons for removing the machines were only somewhat related to their "security" measures, but it sure sounded good at the time.

The directors are doing the usual uncomfortable hedging and policy-quoting, when, among the usual traffic in and out the front door comes a member of the Sunnyvale police department. The directors excuse themselves to go talk to him about something. I continue to wait for the lesser goons to stop grunting and beating their chests at my servers.

Suddenly, to my surprise, I'm motioned over to join the conversation around the cop. It turns out that he was one of five cars called out special for me, apparently to stop a grand theft in progress.

Well, this is entertaining. They've decided that anyone who doesn't approve of their security procedures must be an imposter, and I'm trying to bluff my way out with these seven servers?

No. Instead, they've called out the posse because of the fucking tool box I took from Karlstad to Borregas. I try to resist chuckling for a few minutes while one of the directors shows the cop printouts of security camera footage of me going into our cage, taking the box, and leaving with it.

It eventually turns out that the electrical contractor who had been in our cage before me reported a tool box missing. We discuss this for a while. I show the cop the toolbox in question (still sitting in our cage in Borregas), filled with screwdrivers with worn and dirty stickers with our company name on them. I showed him my car, and the lack of tools in it. I showed him my ID, and my business cards. The security guys grudgingly admitted that everything other than the disputed toolbox was completely normal and safe, and that I had been there many times before. We discussed the interesting wisdom of my purported choice to steal an empty toolbox, populate it with my tools, and take it to a different facility of the stealee.

After about half an hour of conversation, the cop takes one of the directors and some manager type outside, I suspect to explain to them what fuckwits they were. I sit and wait in the lobby, near the other director (who looked quite unhappy to be excluded; he may not have yet made peace with his upcoming layoff.).

I asked him, with a conspiratorial smile, how much of the delays I'd had coming in were well-orchestrated stalling while the cop showed up.

Sadly, I believe his assertion that none of them were, that that was just standard suck. I tsked, and pointed out that this was the much-inferior answer, and that he should've at least had the sense to lie about it.

They came back in, we all agreed that they'd been fuckwits, and that I was quite free to go. I was very satisfied by their extremely forced laughter at my, "Looking forward to not doing business with you in the future" parting handshake.

My only serious regret is that I didn't think until a few minutes after driving away to ask for the hard copies of the security camera footage. I'd've loved to have some strangely-angled, grainy black-and-whites as a souvenir of my criminal activity.