And it was decreed last night that we should order Za. And thus we did call Dominos.

After the obligatory hold period, the gentleman on the other end of the phone asks me my phone number. I responded with a number in the 562 area code.

Now, this isn't the number of the phone from which I'm calling, and I give this incorrect answer for two reasons. The first is simply that the phone number I did give him will already be in his handy database, so I won't need to give him my address and such again. The second is that I've heard they are making extensive use of caller id these days, and I was feeling slightly surly; I was quite prepared to enjoy any conversation that ensued from him pointing out the mismatching phone numbers, thus allowing me to ask him why the hell he asked me in the first place.

But his answer was slightly surprising, and not nearly so straightforward. "Are you calling from a cellular phone, sir?"

"I am, actually, yes."

"I'm sorry, we can't accept orders placed from cellular phones."

"Interesting. And why would that be? Some new law I haven't heard about?"

"We've had a problem with people placing orders to false addresses with cellular phones, then mugging the delivery person when he arrives."

"Hm. And why would this be any easier to do from a cell phone than from a more traditional phone?"

Alysse did point out afterward that there is at least some marginal logic here, since people's land lines don't tend to get lost or stolen. However, my friend on the line seemed unaware of this line of reasoning. "I don't know, sir, that's just our corporate policy."

"Out of curiosity, how exactly would you know that I was calling from a cellular phone, had I not been so kind as to answer your question honestly?"

"We know all the area codes and prefixes[sic] we deliver to, and your phone showed up in 310. The number you're calling from isn't the one you gave me."

Ah, admission of caller id usage, and a reproach for my lack of honesty. "Yes, I gave you a phone number which would already be in your database, in an attempt to make things easier for both of us. After all, surely you don't want to have to spend any more time on any given call than necessary?"

"The phone number you're calling from is also in our database. You've ordered two pizzas there recently."

"Well then, surely we can continue this fine tradition, and you can make it three, right?"

"We cannot accept an order placed with a cellular phone, sir! It's for our drivers' safety, is that a good enough reason? How many times to I need to explain this to you, sir?"

"Just once, but we haven't gotten there yet. Funny you should mention it, but you've already delivered a couple of pizzas ordered with this phone, and I don't seem to recall mugging your drivers last time. Do you also have a history of people lulling you into a false sense of security with a few normal deliveries, before making their move?"

"Sir, you need to call me from the phone line in that house, of you want me to send you a pizza. Do you want a pizza this evening or not, sir?"

"Certainly I do, and I'm offering to pay you to bring me one. Do you often have people calling you who don't want pizzas? In any event, the residents here all carry their own phones, which go with them. There isn't a phone line attached to the house itself. A much more civilized way to lead one's life, really; after all, when was the last time you called to talk to a house? I personally have much more of a tendency to want to talk to people."

"Sir, you need to call me from a normal telephone line if you want me to send you a pizza."

"So what would happen if I, say, had a cellular phone whose caller id information looked up as being within your normal delivery area? There wouldn't be any problems then?"

"Sir, we cannot accept orders placed over cellular phones!" He had managed to retain the bit of his training that involved referring to me as 'sir' every third word, but somehow he wasn't making it sound like a compliment.

"And what about people who don't supply any caller id information at all? Certainly that's fairly common. How do you handle those situations? How do you know whether your're talking to someone through a cellphone or not?"

He seemed to have quite a tendency to change the subject when I asked this question. We'd been on the phone for at least ten minutes now; I was wondering how much longer he'd be willing to go without either deciding it was easier to just give me a pizza, or to break the rules and hang up on me. After a bit of repitition on both our parts, he finally admitted, reluctantly, that they are forced to simply take a customer's word for the nature of their phone, if no caller id information is available.

"Okay then, I'll talk to you in just a moment."

Ring, ring..."Thank you for calling Pacific Bell Customer Care, how can I help you?"

"I just needed to know how to turn off caller id information for the length of a call?"

The rep was clearly pleased to be asked such an easy question. "Just press *67 before you dial the call."

"Wonderful, thank you." I hung up on her goodbye spiel, eager to reprogram my phone book entry for Dominos.

I was on hold a long time when I called back. The same petulant voice on the other end seemed to have recognized my chipper 'Certainly!' in response to whether I could be placed on hold. Finally, presumably after steeling himself, I was released from hold.

"Hi, I'd like to order a--"

"YOUR PHONE NUMBER, PLEASE?"

Once again, I responded with the 562 number.

"And are you calling again from your cellular phone, sir?"

"Of course not! I would never do such a thing! Everyone knows that's wrong! That endangers drivers!"

"Um-hm."

It was the most delicious pizza which had ever graced my life.

I realized afterward that I shouldn't have entirely reprogrammed my phone book entry. What I really should do is simply create two entries, one for "Pizza" and one for "Debate with the Dominos guy," depending upon which one suits my mood.